Children are taught many life lessons over the course of their childhood, but rarely does anyone sit them down to explain money. Instead, they learn about it by watching the adults around them. They might see an adult sigh every time a monthly bill payment comes up, treating paychecks like a lifeline. Or they might witness caregivers treating income like Monopoly money with no limit. These behaviors stick with them.
By the time you’re old enough to open a bank account, you’ve already established a working relationship with money that you may or may not be aware of. Your theory on money rarely gets updated as you grow older. It’s a constant thought process in the background of your life, shaping how you make decisions long after you’ve left the household that taught it to you.
Where the Wiring Comes From
As a child, you probably weren’t responsible for analyzing and managing finances. You likely did, however, absorb information about them. You might have noted a parent showing pride in finding a bargain, answering phone calls from collection agencies, or avoiding discussions about finances. The problem is, these situations come without any context attached.
Most children have no way of knowing their household’s approach to money is one of many options available. They often aren’t exposed to alternative methods and mindsets around money.
The Scripts You Inherited About Money
Inherited beliefs about money become internal scripts. Oftentimes, people use a blend rather than just one.
Scarcity: being convinced there will never be enough money, no matter what your account balance shows
Avoidance: avoiding opening statements or apps, keeping your problems out of sight and out of mind
Worth: mistaking net worth for self-worth
Secrecy: treating money as the one subject no one in the house talks about
How It Plays Out
Scarcity thought patterns can make an ordinary dip in your checking account feel like a full-blown emergency, complete with a racing heart rate and sleepless nights. Avoidance turns a stack of mail into a source of dread that you cannot quite name until the dread becomes larger than the situation ever called for.
When self-worth becomes intertwined with your income, a slow year can make you feel like a failure in other areas, confirming your worst fears that you’ve carried for years. Secrecy leads to gatekeeping money habits that could make all the difference in your successes as an adult.
Acknowledging these behaviors isn’t an indication that you’re bad with money. It means you learned a survival response early on and have been running with it ever since. At this point, it’s likely that they aren’t serving a true purpose anymore.
Loosening the Grip
Awareness is more powerful than willpower. The next time you notice your finances are making you anxious, stop and ask yourself when the reaction started. Does it trace back to something more than your current financial situation? A previous conversation or experience from years ago?
Small, intentional actions are powerful in the long run. It might not be possible to change habits you developed throughout childhood in an instant, but each little step forward is proof that the old rules you’ve lived by don’t have to be your only option.
Your habits around money have roots that originate years before you had any say in the matter. Just as you learned them, you can unlearn them. A therapist can help you identify any unhelpful patterns, look at where they started, and build something more suitable to your needs to replace them. Reach out today to explore anxiety therapy and start making sense of your relationship with money.
