What is DARVO ?
DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. The acronym was coined by Jennifer J. Freyd, a professor of psychology at the University of Oregon. Jennifer states DARVO occurs when “an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of ‘falsely accused’ and attacks the accuser's credibility and blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.” DARVO includes features of coercive control.
The perpetrator’s goals are to protect their idealized self-image while avoiding consequences for their harmful behavior. They achieve this by refusing to take accountability for their comments or actions, and shifting the blame onto the victim. People who engage in DARVO demonstrate a lack of empathy for their victims and an inability to repair ruptures in their relationships. Institutions can also engage in DARVO to protect their interests, causing harm to employees, students, or the larger public.
‘Educational’ posts on social media platforms often give the public the wrong impression of DARVO, making the public susceptible to misusing the term. Some people wrongfully believe that DARVO occurs when someone simply disagrees with their perspective of an event or a person. A simple disagreement does not equate to DARVO. This view pathologizes normal human disagreement and overlooks the role that our individual minds play in forming our own sense of reality. A key aspect of DARVO involves one party attempting to sow seeds of self-doubt in the other. In contrast, sharing a differing perspective alone is usually done in the hope to be understood or validated by the other.
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DARVO
Deny occurs when the perpetrator denies that something occurred or states the victim is magnifying an event and its impact on the victim. The perpetrator might say to the victim: “That never happened.” “I didn’t say that.” "You're blowing this out of proportion.” “You’re being sensitive.”
Attack occurs when the perpetrator becomes aggressive towards the victim. The perpetrator attempts to discredit and emotionally manipulate the victim by attacking the victim’s judgment, motive, or character. The perpetrator can intimidate the victim by insulting, manipulating, gaslighting, or threatening them. The perpetuator might say to the victim: “You’re always being manipulative.” “You’re lying.” “Your memory is awful.” “You’re trying to control me.” “If you think so poorly of me, there’s no reason for me to stay here. I’ll pack up and leave right now.”
Reverse Victim Offender occurs when the perpetrator accuses the victim of some form of wrongdoing. Suddenly, the victim appears to be the perpetuator and the actual perpetrator assumes the role of victim. Through this tactic, the perpetrator can shift attention away from the initial issue to a different topic altogether. For instance, the conversation might have began with the victim pointing out that perpetuator lied about his whereabouts last night; after the perpetrator denies he lied, he redirects the victim’s focus towards his claim that the victim has trust issues that are causing harm to the perpetrator.
This tactic is often successful because victims lack sufficient knowledge of communication and power dynamics. Victims often experience confusion and disorientation, impairing their ability to respond effectively. Additionally, many people allow their emotions to guide their responses and act reflexively, opposed to reflectively. This is not to place the blame on the victim but to point out that these factors make people more vulnerable to DARVO.
In this phase of DARVO, the victim may begin to doubt their perceptions or memories, causing the victim to withdraw. Other times, a victim can become defensive about the perpetrator’s accusation; the victim’s focus then narrows as they attempt to explain or defend themselves to the perpetrator, which is ultimately a fruitless effort. Some examples of reverse victim offender are: “Your accusations are hurting me!” “Why are you always trying to make me leave you?” “I can’t believe you’re doing this again. We just talked about this last week!”
Page 13 of the DARVO‐LF Questionnaire provides a generous list of common DARVO statements.
What Makes DARVO Harmful
DARVO helps maintain unequal power dynamics in relationships. Victims can experience a deep sense of mental disorientation and confusion, reducing the victims’ capacity to respond effectively. The victim often feels shame, fear, guilt, or powerlessness; these emotional states can make it harder for the victim to protect themselves from coercive control.
The Victims
While people from different walks of life can become victims of DARVO, certain demographics tend to be more vulnerable than others, such as those who wield less social, political, institutional, or economic power.
The Perpetrators
While DARVO often occurs by those who have been diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, anyone who is acting abusively can engage in it. Perpetrators of sex crimes, domestic violence, and emotional abuse often use DARVO to discredit their victims and shirk responsibility for their harmful behaviors.
The Observers
Studies showed when people observed a perpetrator engage in DARVO, the perpetrator was perceived as “less abusive and less responsible” while the victim appeared “less believable.” DARVO effectively “reinforces the distrust of victims’ narratives.” This finding suggests that DARVO influences the perceptions of not only the victim but those who are simply observing it.
“[A study showed that] DARVO-educated participants (compared with control) rated the perpetrator as less believable. While more research is needed, these results suggest that DARVO is an effective strategy to discredit victims but that the power of the strategy can be mitigated by education.” - Jennifer J. Freyd
What You Can Do
Avoid Fruitless Power Struggles
Justifying or explaining yourself can often lead to a fruitless power struggle as the perpetrator and victim have two very different goals. The victim may be seeking to establish a mutual understanding based on the truth while the perpetrator seeks to induce an effect on the victim. Instead of getting entrenched in unhealthy relational dynamics, consider Ross Rosenberg’s advice: “Observe. Don’t absorb.” In your head, simply name the tactics that the perpetrator is employing to help you maintain clarity and emotional distance.
Mentally Ground Youself
Ask yourself questions that can help you remain anchored to reality:
Have you ever been successful in getting through to this person or institution? Do they have the capacity to take in new information?
Do they express interest in your perspectives?
Has your previous feedback resulted in any behavioral changes in them?
If the answer is no, you might want to rethink your approach. Trying to ‘get through’ to someone who is not interested in understanding you is energy intensive. Consider accepting their limitations and channel your energy where you have more influence.
Documentation
If the nature of your relationship with the perpetrator could result in bigger consequences to you (i.e, legal, ethical, safety, economic), it is important to document your communications. Try to focus on objective information as much as possible, such as the date, parties involved, verbatim comments and behaviors that were observed, responses to said comments and behaviors, and any additional context that may be important. You might need this information later.
Ground Yourself in Reminders
If you’re a peacekeeper or conflict avoidant, you probably just want to get along with the perpetrator. It’s tempting to ‘forget’ how poorly they have treated you when you are in a respite period. That is, until DARVO happens again, and reminds you that this behavior is not going away as you had hoped. To avoid these jarring reminders, consider making a bulleted list of specific instances in which they engaged in DARVO. Remain anchored in what you know to be true about the relationship so that your expectations are in alignment.
Reduce Exposure
If you don’t want to cut off contact with the perpretaros, consider significantly reducing your exposure to them. If they are a family member, consider seeing them mainly on major holidays. If they are a coworker or boss, consider moving to a different department.
Cease All Contact
In some relationships, increasing distance alone may be enough to protect your emotional or mental wellbeing. For some relationships, the cost of entry can be your mental and physical health. Sometimes, those who engage in DARVO pursue the relationship, making it hard to maintain reduced exposure. In this case, cutting off contact may be the only way to sustain a healthy distance from the abusive behavior.
Seek Therapy
Sometimes, we need outside help to grow beyond our current circumstances. That is often the case when it comes to changing how we interact with others. Attending therapy can be helpful if you want to make meaningful changes to the way you respond to challenging relational dynamics and receive an outside perspective of what may be happening in your life from a licensed mental health professional.
*This blog is for informational purposes only and is not therapy. This blog does not replace the need to consult with a licensed mental health professional about your particular circumstances.
